Today I am writing my first blog post since Sept 6, 2018. It has been 6 years since LIFE knocked wind out of my sails to write and share LESSONS LEARNED. Our lives were rocked by Hurricane Florence which visited Eastern NC and brought devastation to our little town, Pollocksville, NC. I had just shared a message at my local church titled “Power of Vulnerability” and all the many blessings of being vulnerable. Little did I know, how much I would be tested on this message. Beginning Sept 18, 2018, I was part of a disaster relief response to Hurricane Florence. I had never experienced such trauma, grief and loss working in our community. After several months, our volunteer group transitioned to a more sustainable way of serving our neighbors. I personally needed psychiatric first aid in processing the devastation and learning new ways of serving those in need without burning out. Over the course of a year, I enrolled in Bikram Yoga, an intense practice done in a 100 degree studio, to begin the process of healing. Then 2020 came with the COVID pandemic and world shut down demanding we learn new ways of coping and living. During this time, one of my sisters chose to set a boundary and cease all contact with our family. Needless to say, LIFE was very rocky and I had more questions than answers. Then in March 2020, one of my sisters bought a horse, brought it to the farm and asked if I could work with him. Having grown up on a farm and riding most of my life, I had not ridden in years and to be honest, didn’t have the time to commit to working with this horse. Reluctantly, I agreed to ride him so my niece would have a horse to ride when she came to visit. At first, this horse wanted to resist me on everything. We began with ground work going over the fundamentals and then began riding him for several hours each week. After several months, I was in barn brushing him while he was eating and began to talk softly, almost whispering, as I shared with him what had been going on with me and how tough things had been. This began a morning ritual leading to the most wonderful healing time of my LIFE. Every morning, I couldn’t wait to pop out of the bed and head to the barn. Most of time I would find the horses waiting for me at the fence near my house. Did I tell you we named this horse, BLAZE? We all realized that BLAZE was not the right horse for my niece so I purchased him from my sister. Over the course of 3 years, I would take BLAZE every Wednesday for a ride. A hobby that I loved so much in my childhood had found its way back to me. WHO KNEW I needed a horse? Only GOD could have orchestrated this most beautiful story of healing. How did I know it was GOD? This horse looked exactly like my childhood horse. Oh and remember, I wasn’t looking for a horse. I was DONE with that part of my life, so I thought. God took a remnant of something I loved as a child and reignited this passion to heal deep grief and pain. For 3 years, my JOY CUP was overflowing as Blaze and I built great trust with one another. On May 4, 2024, I had to make a very difficult decision to let him go. Blaze was running in the pasture and sustained a belly tear in his front right, upper leg muscle. After an emergency vet visit and several calls to the N.C State Vet School, it was decided there would be no quality of life for this amazing friend of mine. How could something so wonderful be over just like that? One day he was fine, the next day, there is one less horse in the pasture. This grief hit me hard, unexpectedly so. I took these emotions and met with God A LOT! I leaned into it by journaling, framing photos of our memories, placing a cross on grave and sharing with my inner circle of friends. Taking the time to celebrate the LESSONS LEARNED and trusting there is always a reason for everything. Do I still mourn over this great loss? Yes. I ask myself daily, “how can I use this to help someone else”? Our human nature wants to withdraw, disconnect and numb the pain with all kinds of vices. As hard as it is, I still go to the barn to feed up. There are OTHERS waiting for me. Although BLAZE is not standing there, I am reminded that the barn is a sanctuary in an unsettled world, a sheltered place where life’s true prioirites are clear. When you take a step back, it’s not just about horses – it’s about love, life and learning. Until next Wednesday…
